you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
