The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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