Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
