You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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