How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Yo dont text me then not text me
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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