A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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