she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
