I just made out with a guy for $7.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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