i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
