My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
