I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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