You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
