dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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