Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
