Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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