are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
