I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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