Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
