I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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