I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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