the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
