You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
