I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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