She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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