I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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