i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
