Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
