remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
