I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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