Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
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