You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize