my room smells like sperm. sweet.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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