cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
