he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
