Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
