Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
