shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
