i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
