you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
