it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize