My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
