Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
