On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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