the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
