You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
