Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
