just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
