I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
