I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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