I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
