I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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