hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
