This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
