Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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