He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
