Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize